Guildhall (hilarious short story)

Buildings have its names and the name of this one was Guildhall. His entrance was comparatively small and insignificant in compare to his content. Well, after all, it was not his main entrance. This visit was meant to be special. For the first time I spoke to him.

"Good evening" I said.

“Good evening” said he and opened his automatic door for me. I was very grateful for that. I do not like to touch surfaces which are notoriously touched by many other people. God knows what nasty things they could have been doing with their sticky hands before. Digging in their noses, masturbating, eating chocolates? Thanks to Guildhall for his automatic door.

“Everything all right?” I asked him.

“Well, well, well, you speak buildnigish! Let me tell you, sir, not every human understands the speech of buildings! And a few can speak with us. Most of them occupy psychiatric wards all over the country, I must say… You are very welcome! Anyway, how I can be of any assistance, sir?”

“Oh, come on, as far as I know the Queen hasn’t knighted me yet.”

“OK, OK! Easy, man! No more shit, man!”

“Ehm” I coughed “Let’s do not get to extremes. I know you have a cinema here. No gangsta, please”

“Just kidding. By the way, I have two cinemas, not just a one. Cinemas and hip-hop dancing is a one thing, but please remember I have a lot of other activities here. You can meet here artists, dancers, wanna-be-writers, singers, yoga teachers and so on.”

“Wanna-be-writers. I like it” I said.

“Yes, they have just started two weeks ago. Nothing really special. I prefer to watch dances or some movies. For the first time here?” Guildhall asked.

“Well, it will be my third time. I have started two weeks ago. We didn’t talked before because you seemed be much more interesting in dancing and movies.”

“So many people comes here. But you came not for…”

“I’m afraid, I did.”

“Creative Writing?“

“Yes. Wanna-be-writers, as you have put accurately.”

“Oups! I am so sorry!”

“It’s OK. Let’s say, they are, well, we are wanna-be-writers. No things like Harry Potter in our portfolios so far. We do what we do for fun, for expressing ourselves, I think. Maybe we will be famous one day?”

“In that case your group is upstairs but not in the same room as before, due to premiere. Go to the room no 2.”

“All right” I said

“And I know that you guys will go for sightseeing tonight. You are lucky.”

“Sightseeing? For what?

“For inspiration, I suppose.”

“What we are going to sightsee?”

“Me.”

“That’s interesting…”

“I am” agreed Guildhall.

“Ehem, that‘s great.” I said.

“Thank you.”

“And I am lucky, because…?”

“And you are lucky, because you will see me. Moreover, I can show you my world, I can show you my true self. Would you like to be me, to be Guildhall, for a while? You will have that opportunity, if you like.”

“Sounds interesting.”

“On the one condition” said Guildhall “you will show me your world, your life. I want just for a moment to feel how it is to be a human. Agreed?”

“Agreed.”

“All right. Touch the wall with your forehead. But not here, you are on the CCTV cameras here. The girl is watching you. OK. You will do that later. For now we can stay on this level of communication.”

“The girl? What a girl?” A level of my interest raised noticeably.

“A girl. A member of staff.”

“Really? She is watching me?”

“I got you. I have found your weak point. I would say it was not so difficult. That’s very human.”

“I am a man.”

“And she is a woman. Don’t be angry. I have seen many movies about gender issues. You know, love and so on.”

“That’s life. It just happens. ”

“But I do not understand that stuff.”

“Neither do I. Welcome to the club.”

“Well, on some level I do understand. But I do not know how it is to be a human. I do not know how it is to feel desire. I needed somebody like you. In the case of the girls…”

“Yes?”

“I think you should go upstairs. Now. Go!”

“All right, all right. What’s the matter?” I asked while stepping on the stairs. And then I spotted a girl. A blond beauty appeared, passed me by and disappeared.

“This is the one who was watching me?” I whispered

“Not this one” Guildhall whispered back. “You think I have just a one girl here? I have a quite nice staff here, in terms of human’s category. Well, in terms of male’s category. Better stop sneaking around and go to your workshops. The girl, the other one, is still watching you. You do not want her to call police. I will be with you. “

“Oh, come on, I am doing nothing.”

“And that is your problem.”

“Really? Thanks.” I said and I turned in the direction when the girl disappeared.

“Wait! Not this way. The opposite direction. That way.” Said Guildhall.

“You said I am doing nothing. I wanted… well.. to do something.”

“Your session will start in less than five minutes. What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. Pee? And stop talking to mouldered buildings? Just kidding. You have very nice interiors here. Those huge corridors and large chambers are very impressive.”

“You know, I was originally built in the 1890's as the civic headquarters for Gloucester City Council to designs by architect George Hunt.”

“Oh, really?”

I came into a comparatively small room. Several wanna-be… aaa… participants were already sitting there.

“Good evening.” I said and I opened the window wider. People were absorbed with their conversation.

“You have very uncomfortable chairs in this room here.” I complained.

“That’s not my fault.” Said Guildhall.

“And there is too hot here.”

“Not my fault either. Anyway, ask for a complaint form at the reception.”

“Very funny. Ok, I think we are starting.” I said.

Two women, leaders of our group said some jokes and some other stuff, not really related to the subject, blah, blah, blah, and we have started.

“You see?” asked Guildhall “The lady says you have to write something about me. And about the room. And later, as I told you, you will see me starting from the basement.”

“But first I have to observe something about this room and write about it.”

“So stop staring at the girls and start to observe the room.”

“I am not staring. Technically speaking, I am doing a mental exercise”

“A mental exercise?”

“Yes. I mentally undress women in my head. Men are really good at it. And that is the reason why women buy nice, sexy clothes.”

“Those here have nice, sexy clothes?”

“Not really. Maybe… maybe they want to put men’s attention to their personalities?”

“It gonna to work?”

“Eh, I don‘t think so. Anyway, it doesn‘t matter. Men’s eyes hardly notice clothes. We always detect a women‘s body under their clothes. Women are different. They put attention to nice clothes.”

“So men looks for women’s bodies, and women put attention to men’s and their own clothes?”

“Generally, yes. I learnt that it is better to go for shopping with a woman as an adviser, if you want buy something really cool. And if you have enough money. That’s the other thing which attracts women. Style is important. Shoes are very important, too.”

“That’s interesting. So, have you observed something apart of the girls?”

“I have already observed something about these chairs. They are uncomfortable, little bastards.”

“Try to understand them.” Said Guildhall. “How could you feel if people were farting on you?”

“You have a lot of empathy for them.” I said.

“Yes” said Guildhall. “Even a stupid wardrobe has a better chance to become famous. Especially, if you put a lion and a witch inside.”

“You have forgotten about the silver chair.”

“These are not silver.”

“I think” I said “The chairs here have a meeting around the table.”

“That’s very deep” said Guildhall. “Continue”

“I have noticed that sarcasm” I said.

“So, they have meeting around the table” said Guildhall innocently “And…?”

“And look, they are chairing around the table about their chairy things. But not all of them.”

“Not all of them?” Repeated Guildhall.

“Not. Those two are chairing some chairy secrets behind the others backs. And the two others over there do some chairy gymnastics. A one is standing on the other one with its legs up. Or maybe this is a kind of chairy intercourse? Chairy Kamasutra? Like those two chairs, a one is taking the other one from behind, doggy style.”

“You are sick” said Guildhall. “No, you are not sick. You are a male. I have noticed that the thing that lies at the very core of every human activity is sex. It is always about sex.”

“Well, often yes, but I would say this is not the ultimate answer. I would say life is always about reaching something that lies beyond. We look for it sometimes very far, and we cannot reach it. And then, a one day we notice, it was always with us, within our hearts. Then we can start to live for real. Sex is very important. Love is very important. Life’s journey is very important.”

“Yes. Becoming conscious of things is very important. I want to feel it. I want to understand” said Guildhall. “That’s why I want to feel how it is to be a human.”

“You are very human, you know.” I said “Maybe more human than actually many humans.”

“We, buildings, we are very human. We share our existence with you, humans. You build us. You are our fathers. When abandoned we may become wild. We need people and people need us.”

“So who is your mother?”

“Gaia, the Earth, she is the mother of everything on this planet. You can be built from the stones and wood, but you will always hear her voice, no matter which kind of building or place or thing you are.”

“What about a spacecraft?”

“Spacecraft?”

“Yes. A spacecraft, a spaceship.”

“Well, I think that spacecraft may hear the voice of the Universe, anyway. The earth and the Universe, they speak with the same voice. There is only the one voice in the universe. The universe is a system, and a system consists from many parts, but means a one.”

“I would like to hear that voice” I said.

“I am sure you can hear even as a human. You can hear that voice in every cell of your body. You are the part of this planet. And you already know how to talk with buildings. I am sure you would be able to talk with the rocks, trees, flowers and even with a bus-shelter. Maybe you will meet elves? Everything has its story. In other things we see ourselves.” “And” added Guildhall “tonight I will let you to be me for a while. And you give me the chance to get to know how it is to be a human, because I have no senses like you.”

“You want to posses me?” I smiled to the ceiling.

“No” He said protractedly “I just want to see what you have seen, smell what you have smelt, hear what you have heard, feel what you have felt. Only if you want. Only if you agree. That’s the only way.”

“And I will be you for a while?”

“Yes, for a very while”

“Sound’s fun. All right.”

“Great. It seems you will be going downstairs soon. People have finished that observing exercise.”

“What they have observed?”

“You haven‘t noticed? Apart of me, nothing really special. Plants, window, ceiling, door, ventilation system, table and chairs. Just imagine, they have even spotted the floor. Anyway, it is a quite remarkable achievement. Usually people do not see things unless they bump on them or need them. Moreover, they discovered not existing passage behind the fireplace and some ghosts and monsters there.”

“So do you have a monsters there?

“Just some spider monsters.”

“So, you have a secret passage there!”

“Oh, come on. Let me have some secrets.”

“Oki-doki. It seem to me, than before we go to your basement, we will have to listen to people’s revelations about your room here”

“Halloween is coming. I bet there will be mostly ghost stories”

“You are probably right”

“And because a bank is nearby, some stories about treasury”

“Smart ass. I want to say something”

“About chairs? You pervert!”

“Yes, maybe that’s too perverse for these ladies here” I admitted.

“Too perverse? Since when you are so shy and careful?”

“I am not!”

“I think you are. You humans, you have many taboos. You are afraid to be really yourselves. You think it is sinful or wrong to show your thoughts and emotions.”

“We do. But I am a writer. A wanna-be-a-writer.” I corrected myself “I cannot have taboos. I have to be different. And I am. There are no limits. Limits are in your head. But you have no head, Guildhall… Anyway, I am talking about social programming and that stuff. You know, I am different than other guys. But at the core I am a good person. Good people o not need commandments, bad people do. And after all, everything has its reason and its purpose.”

“What is your reason then? And the purpose?” Asked Guildhall

“Good questions.”

“So?” Insisted Guildhall

“So?” I repeated.

“So what is your reason? And your purpose?”

“I intuitively know the answers. I believe I do. It took some time, it took some work to figure out for myself. And a lot of considerations. But it is difficult to put it into the words just like that. If you listen to the voice of the Universe, you know what I mean. And this is more about a way of doing things, and about a way of thinking about life than about something else. Know yourself. That‘s it.”

“I think people are like buildings. So different and so the same.” said Guildhall

“That’s deep” I said.

“C’e la vie” he said

“Time to go. To see your basement and stuff.”

People were crowding near the lift. I was wandering nearby with Guildhall in my head.”

“You haven’t notice my exposition about the last flooding” said Guildhall accusingly.

“I’ve noticed. Very nice.”

“Very nice?! Niece?!” shouted Guildhall in my head. “It was terrible! Look at the line on the wall. It represents the maximum level of water. It was a catastrophe!”

“All right, I know that. Hey, look, who is she?”

“That’s your girl. I mean, that’s the one who was watching you on the monitor”

“Very interesting face”

“What do you mean?”

“She must be a very good person. Look at her face. What a beautiful smile! She must love life, sex and good food. She is very sensual. Body piercing is not in my style, but…”

“But?”

“But let’s say, that in her case I could make an exception.”

“She is a lift operator tonight.”

“Is she?”

“Yes. So get her, tiger.”

“You have seen too many movies. Usually they are not real, you know? And now she is gone with the first group of people.”

“She will be back. There is a lot of you guys here. Everybody wants to be a writer these days. A lot of writers, a few readers.”

“That’s very good when people put down their thoughts and ideas. Writing is a powerful magic. Written words are able to change people’s life, they can even change the world.”

 

© copyrights MG

 

PS: It remains a kind of unfinished and unpolished but let's pretend is finished. Quite a long time ago I used to attend some Creating Writing Wordshops at Guildhall and it just had happened to me. Now I can see I could rewrite it to make it better, but... well... there are other projects on the top of my list now.